Christmas is a-comin' ... but what should you be putting under the tree? As a public service, TATTGOC is pleased to present a gift-buying guide to ensure that the curry lover in your life remains rosy-cheeked, sweaty and possibly a bit gassy throughout the holiday season. But first, a quick explanation for this post's title (skip to 1:19 if you want to get straight to the tenderloin):



Okay, on with the spicy stocking fillers!

Saturday Morning Cookery Course
It's only £85 for this three-hour demonstration of the curry basics, but it does take place somewhere down in Surrey. (It's not clear whether this is simply because "Surrey" rhymes with "curry", but we like to think so.) And who is your host? None other than Pat Chapman, celebrity chef and founder of The Curry Club (nope, not that one). Apparently he's a dab hand at mixing up the correct spices for tikka masala, chicken jalfrezi and chickpea curry. And if you manage to go the distance, you get to go home with a pot of Chapman's own sauce.

Shish Mahal Cook Book
In some of his korma-infected dreams, The Tramp fantasises about starting an global evangelical brotherhood akin to Gideons International, but instead of installing free Bibles in hotel rooms, his immaculately-suited, methodical agents would carefully enshrine copies of the Shish Mahal Cook Book in bedside tables worldwide, the better to propogate the pungent magic of Glasgow's most venerable curryhouse. And right now, it's only £5.99 on Amazon!

Ring Of Fire After Curry Wipes
Considering the default setting of curry humour is almost entirely concerned with the following day's bathroom routine, we're generally fairly restrained at TATTGOC when it comes to the lavatorial stuff. (Although admittedly there are usually one or two comments that refer to "the pan" after each of our monthly write-ups.) But just as anyone who plays golf has long had to put up with receiving jokey novelty Christmas gifts lampooning their chosen hobby, so now curry lovers can experience that same mix of heartsinking disappointment and rising irritation when tearing off the brightly coloured paper to uncover something that's essentially worthless. To wit, here's a cylinder of baby wipes with a garish "comedy" label. For you, guv? A mere £2.99 ...

Domestic Tandoori Clay Oven
Now we're getting serious. TATTGOC debated the merits of building a tandoori oven back in June, and for under £300 we could get our grubby mitts on this stainless steel-enclosed clay oven that comes with all kinds of skewers, like more skewers than you can possibly imagine. Just reading the description of how the process works – after marination, the bespiked ingredients are placed vertically in the pre-heated tandoor, where the blasting temperature seals the flavour inside, the clay and charcoal mingle in their earthy, aromatic flavours and the skewer itself helps conduct heat inside the meat – is truly mouthwatering. Worth reading the small print though: "This tandoori oven is for outside use only." Shame. Would have looked nice in the flat.

Have you got any curry-related gift ideas? Let us know in the comments below ...