Some Pilau Talk With ... Diner Tec!

Everyone in the TATTGOC brotherhood loves curry – we even have an award that says so! But surely we could still learn a thing or two from other prominent curry lovers? And maybe even go round to their house for tea? In the special summer series we're calling Pilau Talk: The Legends, Trampy and The Tramp will be asking well-kent faces to recommend some of their favourite curry haunts and recall some of their most memorable spicy experiences. Next up is Diner Tec, the culinary investigator who scours Glasgow to track down top tucker, always with the glamorous Moll on his arm. You can read his hard-boiled reviews every Thursday in the Evening Times, so there's still time to pop out and pick up a copy today. Over to Diner Tec ...

What are some of your favourite Glasgow curryhouses, past or present?
The Spice of Life. One of the first Harlequin jobs, formerly "halfway down Robertson Street" before it moved to Argyle Street. I used to go there when I was just a minor Tec. There was a greeter on the door called Sanjay Madhu. Nice bloke. Now he owns the bloody company. Kama Sutra on Sauchiehall Street is also excellent. Current fave is Bukharah at the old Lorne Hotel, Sauchiehall Street. Sheer class and outstanding food.

And your favourite Glasgow curry takeaway?
The Spice of Life. The Moll and I fell in love over the chicken pakora as she was backcombing her eyelashes.

What’s your all-time favourite curry dish, the one to which you always return?
A tried and tested old fave – chicken bhoona, provided the poultry is plutonium-grade perfect and the capsicum and ginger right on the money.

And if you had to choose just one accompaniment, would it be rice or nan?

Could we trouble you for an anecdote – a beloved reviewing memory?
The Tec often feels the heat from cheesed-off chefs and raging restaurateurs. And that occasionally means me having to keep the fedora pulled tight over my mugshot and the trenchcoat wrapped round my torso to stay safe from the great unwashed. The alternative is more worrying than a week in the slammer. But that doesn't mean to say that Glasgow's favourite gourmet gumshoe hasn't come close to having his dentures removed ...

On one occasion, I mentioned – purely en passant, you understand – that a chicken chow mein in one Chinese establishment reeked of fish. When the review appeared, a package duly arrived on my desk with a west end postmark. When I unwrapped the paper, I was staring at a salmon that had long shed its mortal. It truly was a real-life Luca Brasi moment ... Diner Tec sleeps with the fishes. (Had it been a parrot, it would, of course, have been a Monty Python moment.)

On another mission at a very glitzy Glasgow joint – I'll spare any blushes by not saying which one – I was just about to tuck into my soup when a fly suddenly decided to use my spoon as a diving board before nestling right in my minestrone. It was a God-given moment: "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ..." And there really was! I'd dreamt of that moment for years ...

Where’s the most exotic place you've had a curry?
The Maldives minus The Moll. Like heaven on a Sunday.

Can you actually make a decent curry yourself at home?
Only if you like instant korma followed by John Lennon's Instant Karma.

Can the TATTGOC brotherhood come round for our tea?
I wouldn't tikka chance on any of my curries ...

If you could enjoy a curry dinner-for-two with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?
George Harrison. Having dined at the Maharishi's ashram on the banks of the Ganges, he's bound to know a thing or two about being a gourmet gumshoe Indian-style. I would Curry That Weight with a Tikka To Ride or Glass Onion bhaji, along with the Salad of John and Yoko and some Lovely Pitta, natch.

Alternatively, Greta Garbo so that, for once, I can get the occasional word in. She was a silent movie star, wasn't she?

And finally, we're sensing you're something of a Beatles fan ... do you know if the Fab Four ever enjoyed a curry in Glasgow?
The Moll once made eyes at a guy in a curry restaurant that she swore blind was Paul McCartney. Turned out to be another Paul: Paul Lambert, the former Celtic player. Not much difference, really. But the fact fact that he was tucking into a beef curry might have told her it wasn't the veggie-loving former Fab. Same meat ... different gravy.

Thanks Diner Tec! And if the Tramps were to recommend one book about the Beatles in Scotland, it would be this one.

Tom Shields
Fred MacAulay
Ian Cowie aka Mr Snax