Tastin' With The Vamps: The Mystery Of The Haunted Madras Lattice


It's Halloween! OooooOOOOoooOOOoooh! And since it's pretty rare that Halloween falls on a Thursday, the traditional day when the TATTGOC blog updates, the Tramps thought they'd do something suitably creeptastic. There are few things more special than a short-term special promotional item from Greggs, and in the run-up to winter's most spine-chilling holiday, the uber-popular pasty-pusher has a range of spooktacular products to tempt passing trade, as well as a (frankly bewildering) soc-med campaign called Invasion of the Zombie Bakers. After looking at the dedicated website for almost a quarter of an hour, the Tramps still didn't have a clue what's happening, although noted there were some cool zombie pics from Scotland.

Then they turned their attention to Tastin' With The Tramps, a TATTGOC format that had been rather neglected in recent months. The Tramp had noticed that Greggs was doing a special Chicken Madras Lattice throughout October, which seemed like a suitably scary idea, since a lot of people remain too intimidated to order madras from the menu when visiting a curryhouse. Trampy picked one of the golden lattices for the official tasting, and judging by the first official photograph, it looked pretty good.

But just as the Tramps were poised to take their first bite, dictaphone at the ready to record their first impressions, the temperature seemed to drop in Trampy's kitchen. The doughty bloggers suppressed an involuntary shiver. It felt like there was another presence in the room, too subtle too perceive directly but hovering at the edges of their vision. There was a sudden CRASH from the window, and the Tramps spun around in unison to confront the threat. A false alarm. Merely a precarious stack of Bluetones promotional CDs that had tumbled to the floor, like a jangle-pop mudslide. Our burly heroes slowly released a breath they didn't even realise they were holding. But when they turned back to the lattice, something uncanny had happened – it had been bisected, and a quarter was missing.

Of course, both Trampy and the Tramp's first instinct was to assume the other had scoffed the first morsel during all the business with the scattered CDs. Trampy raised his most accusing eyebrow and the Tramp unconsciously bunched his fingers into fists, ready to take whatever action was required to secure the next bite. Then: a loud thump from the ceiling above, followed by a peal of high-pitched mocking laughter. Trampy's furrowed brow resolved itself. "It's cool," he said. "It's the students upstairs. One of them is always dropping their Wii Fit board." Relieved, they returned to the task at hand. Oh no!

Another full half of the lattice had inexplicably vanished, and while a certain amount of pungent spicy fumes had escaped from the pastry casing, neither of the Tramps had actually had an opportunity to try the madras filling, and now there was barely a quarter left. The right thing to do, obviously, would be to half the remaining lattice and extrapolate their tasting impressions from that tiny morsel. Instead, both Tramps shot out their favoured hand to secure the prize. After a few seconds of struggle they reached a physical detente, a creditable stalemate of brute strength – in silent agreement, they withdrew their hands, only to discover ... the final piece of lattice had dematerialised too.

"There must be some rational explanation," said Trampy.

"I think it's pretty clear that lattice was haunted," said the Tramp.

"We didn't even get to taste it, though," said Trampy. "What will we put on the blog?"

"Dude," said the Tramp. "You'll think of something. It's Halloween. Just make it diabolical."

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